THE PACIFIER (**)
One of the easiest things to do as a movie critic is to pick on an obvious target, and to go overboard. One prominent example is the muscle-bound action hero, personified by no one better than Arnold Schwarzenegger. A lot of his detractors love to point out his deficient acting and thick accent. But whether they like him or not, he is a genius at picking roles that suit him, finding parts that make great use of his bland expression and limited range (can you think of anyone else that could play the Terminator?). If it were easy to replicate Arnold’s success, then Hulk Hogan would be turning out hit after hit at the box office. Like it or not, Mr. Schwarzenegger might be the greatest action hero/comedian not named Jackie Chan.
Why am I citing the Austrian Oak? Because I couldn’t stop thinking about him while viewing THE PACIFIER. Vin Diesel, has the physique of a puma, is a fine actor (see him in MULTI-FACIAL, which he wrote and directed), and is Schwarzenegger’s heir apparent when it comes to muscular he-men (The Rock is a close second). Like his predecessor, he too wishes to capitalize on his imposing rep by exploiting it in a comedy. Sadly, his efforts never fully bloom, due to director Adam Shankman’s squandering of his story’s full potential.
The story that I speak of involves Shane Wolfe (Vin Diesel), a Navy SEAL commander who after failing to rescue government scientist Tate Plummer (Tate Donovan), is assigned to protect Plummer’s family. This assignment requires him to stand guard at the Plummers’ suburban home, while Mrs. Plummer, Julie (Faith Ford, the ditzy anchorwoman of MURPHY BROWN fame), goes to retrieve her husband’s top-secret invention in Switzerland.
The household left behind is the familiar type found in most Hollywood fare, consisting of the obligatory rebellious and/or conflicted teenagers and troublesome tykes (adding a baby usually helps). No doubt they are required to give our hero more than he can handle, and it’s not a good sign when their nanny Helga (Carol Kane) bolts when the going gets tough. Hence, Shane Wolfe must get going.
The film’s first few scenes are awkward at best. Its lead action sequence serves as a perfunctory setup to show how formidable Shane Wolfe must be (Ooooh). It’s too bad that on a tactical level, it makes no sense at all (using jet skis to defend a yacht?). The end of it screams, “Let’s get it over with!” Wolfe’s first days as home drill instructor don’t get much mileage either, as he gets too physical with the slapstick. Soon enough, bodies fly, furniture rips apart, and mess ensues. Macaulay Culkin would’ve been proud.
Luckily, the film enters a more confident stage once it starts revealing the travails of each Plummer sibling. It’s during this second act where Diesel gets into a groove, confidently striding through each situation and rectifying it. Once Shane Wolfe starts dealing with Zoe’s (Brittany Snow) lack of discipline and driving skills, Seth’s (Max Thieriot) insecurities, Lulu’s (Morgan York) Girl Scout troubles, Peter’s (twins Kegan and Logan Hoover) storytelling needs, and Baby Tyler’s (twins Bo and Luke Vink)… well… baby needs, the film works.
The movie also benefits from an entertaining supporting cast. Carol Kane, a hilarious comedic talent (Grandma in ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES, the Ghost of Christmas Present in SCROOGED, and Valerie the witch in THE PRINCESS BRIDE) shows Diesel a thing or two about physical comedy. Denis Akiyama and Mung-Ling Tsui deliver some exquisitely timed one-liners as the neighborhood Korean couple. Lauren Graham, who plays Principal Fletcher, has a nice aura about her as the resident love interest. Her character doesn’t gawk in dumbstruck desire over Shane Wolfe (and shares something in common with him), and maintains that same sexy yet warm charisma that she pulled of so well in BAD SANTA. Comedic star Brad Garrett (Robert Barone of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND fame) steals every scene, with what can only be described as his character’s clueless bravado.
I had mixed feelings towards Vin Diesel’s performance. Like I said, the guy has range (watch his grimaces when he eventually learns he has to leave), and he gives an admirable effort. But director Adam Shankman doesn’t give him any help. He could have made Shane Wolfe appear more cold-hearted and almost impassive (ala The Terminator), to make his fall from imperviousness more humorous and heartfelt. He requires Diesel to seem bewildered from the very start, relying more on clownery than steady yet growing discomfort. Doing so reveals the joke before we can relish it.
They say the best way to review a bad movie is to make a better version of it, and that version has already been made in KINDERGARDEN COP. There, Arnold Schwarzenegger and director Ivan Reitman play the perfect notes and strike the ideal balance between comedy and suspense. You can see the hero’s rising fear of teaching preschoolers, his earnest longing to leave the seediness of his profession, and the satisfaction he gains from teaching youngsters. You could also sense danger in its villains’ attempts to wrest the mother and child he chooses to protect. If you’ve seen this movie, you’ve seen the top of its class.
It’s too bad that its good performances can’t save it from its fluffiness. Though it generates some good laughs, it has nothing to add to big-guy-can’t-handle-kids staple, and has nothing meaningful for us to care about. THE PACIFIER is too pacified for its own good.