The Flipcritic

The return of barbarian movies. Is this a good thing? They weren't when they were hip in the late 70s and early 80s. To date there is only one barbarian film that is truly epic, and that is Schwarzenneger's CONAN THE BARBARIAN. It's one of the best sword and scorcery movies around, but when put up against THE SCORPION KING, it looks like THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

The movie chronicles the adventures of an Arcadian (aptly named I might add due to the video arcade-like nature of the movie's violence) assassin Mathayus (The Rock of THE MUMMY RETURNS, unaware of his destiny to rule as king of whatever godforsaken empire concocted by the film's writers. He is contracted by rebels to kill Casandra The Sorceress (Kelly Hu), who is able to predict victory for every war the Scorpion King Memnon (Steven Brand) wages to extend his empire.

After Mathayus is betrayed and captured, he realizes that it is the King who uses the sorcerer against her free will. Hence, he escapes, goes after King, but ends up kidnapping Casandra (It of course, also helps when he discovers that the sorcerer he was sent to kill is hotter than the desert he lives in). Casandra takes a liking to Mathayus and together with the rebels led by Balthazar, join up to combat the Scorpion King (heck, what girl wouldn't when she has to choose between the Rock and a scrawny King).

I must say... that this is one wacky movie. But I mean that in a good way... I think. Think of it as CONAN THE BARBARIAN lite. Very lite. So lite that it has as much weight as the feather in Forrest Gump. And yet, I enjoyed it... somewhat. Even though it has a lot more things I dislike.

One of them was the location, Gomorrah. Yes, the same one decimated by God in the Old Testament (hey, I told you it was godforesaken). If God didn't like this town, what were the chances that the audience would? It resembles a prehistoric Southern California paradise, where no one is fat and ugly. Practically every citizen is either a musclebound warrior, or a hottie. People here are more buffed than cars at an automobile expo. The only ones who aren't fit are the children, who are of course portrayed as beggars (sure, they grow up poor, and turn out to be Mr. and Ms. Universe).

I liked Kelly Hu (a veteran of several soap operas). Just when you think that you couldn't top Lucy Liu, Hollywood finds another Chinese-American who is impossible not to notice. She is game in every scene, but I disliked the way she is used. She must be a sorceress, because her greatest trick is being able to make her most erotic body parts be covered or angled-out in every scene where they could be exposed. Her long hair covers her breasts even when she's slipping down a waterfall. She's an object for the boys to ogle at.

Consider the way she heals Mathayus when he is poisoned by an arrow. Why not let his sidekick suck the poison out his leg. Out of the question. One man's lips on another man's body is taboo in a film like this. Casandra has to straddle him while he sleeps (stop drooling guys), and inhale the poison's essence out of his mouth. I hope she's my nurse when I get sick.

What the film lacks in originality, purpose, and wit, it makes a little bit up with its willingness to embrace its absurdity. It knows its silly and doesn't try to pretend to be the next epic. And the person who nearly saves this picture is The Rock. He is genuinely funny and knows how to handle silly situations with a headstrong manner. He's in on the joke, but makes it seem like a serious matter (he's a wrestler so he's experienced). Some critics have criticized his lack of acting skills, but for a picture like this, none are needed. He has all the best lines and delivers them with assuredness of a comic veteran.

Philos: Are you going to kill me?
Mathayus: Maybe later.

What really made me dislike the film is how utterly stupid it has to be to entertain its target audience of teenagers (Note: its star is a "professional wrestler"). When CONAN came out, it was riveting. Sure there was sex and it was violent, but the movie didn't shortchange you. It brought you into a world where it was kill-or-be-killed, where the title of warrior had a gravity that is all but forgotten now. The characters were brutal and wise, the action was ruthless, and the sensuality rich. CONAN THE BARBARIAN did not have a target audience. It didn't kid around. It was what it was. Production companies tease us with sexuality in their trailers then edit as much as possible out of their films to draw in the under 18 crowd. All for more dough of course (notice any blood anywhere despite the swordplay?).

THE SCORPION is a flaky, sugar-coated, teenage version of barbarian land. It has a lot of flash, a lot of energy, and is sometimes even clever. But it has no conviction, no sense of danger, and hence, no thrill. You know what's coming, and don't fear for anyone dying even when a possible prophecy says so (heck, THE MUMMY RETURNS is all the prophecy you need for Mathayus to live). It has funny dialogue, but the charm of a TV sitcom. So why spend money on it, when you can watch Will and Grace?

Posted by FLIPCRITIC at April 20, 2002 12:00 AM